Updated: Jan 27
Guest post by: Jan and Jillian Yuhas, MA, MFT, CPC, of Entwined Lifestyle
Dating as an INFJ can come with challenges. The thought of letting someone enter your inner world of safety and comfort zone can be terrifying, to say the least. There can be a lot of questions and concerns, knowing you may have to let them go if things don’t work out after sharing your secrets.
As an INFJ, you are not okay just casually dating anyone. A potential partner has to meet your high standards, yet also have the ability to uncover your guarded heart. You want the one who you can trust wholeheartedly without settling with anyone but the best.
While searching for the one, you may lose out on many great partners because you value your independence and alone time. However, the essence of any love story is showing vulnerability along with the ability to form an everlasting bond and deep connection through quality time.
A relationship where two individuals can talk about their dreams and fears all in the same conversation is magic for you. Yet, it can be a struggle for a partner to experience your emotional side because you have a high wall protecting your heart. When it comes to inviting the one into your life, they will need to be really special and unique as you are.
Here Are 7 Dating Tips INFJs Need If They Want To Attract Love:
1. Get Outside Your Comfort Zone
Are you waiting for Mr. Right to show up on your doorstep? While the dating phase is awkward and can feel like an invasion of your privacy, the likelihood of this happening is slim to none.
Getting outside your comfort zone may sound a bit unpleasant, but the risk can be worth the reward. While INFJ women are usually waiting in the wing for a gentleman to approach them, this strategy may have you waiting a very long time.
When it comes to your love life, being proactive and messaging first on dating apps or saying hello to the guy at the local coffee shop can open the door to a beautiful heartfelt connection. At the end of the day, what do you have to lose?
Even though connecting with many potential partners can seem unattractive as an INFJ, you will need to sort through a few matches to meet the one who captures your spirit. Despite going against your intuitive nature, trusting yourself to follow your heart will help a build connection that may lead to a romantic relationship.
So take a chance and see where it goes even if you have to leave your comfort zone for an hour or two. You can become a recluse after your energy starts to feel spent.
2. Swipe Away Online
Online dating is perfect for the socially shy INFJ. This allows you to “meet” as many men as you desire without having to go out and meet them face-to-face.
Online messaging provides a safety zone and the ability to build a conversation with a man prior to actually meeting him in real life. This will give you time to assess if the two of you will click or not, while intuitively feeling out whether he will be a good match.
A great way to start conversations with online matches it to ask questions about their dating profile. Where was the photo on the mountain taken? What is on your bucket list to explore next? Ask questions that you can relate to in order to keep the conversation flowing based on their responses.
Here is a list of 50 First Date Questions.
The best part of online dating is you can take a moment to yourself if you get stuck and don’t know what to say without him knowing. There is no timeframe of when you need to answer back by. However, if you are wanting to build a solid connection, responding within three hours is ideal. Again, pay attention to how long it takes him to respond as well find balance in his communication style with yours.
3. Let Your Body Do The Talking For You
When you’re out with your girlfriends and see a guy who you think is hot, this may leave you feeling terrified to approach him for a conversation. Your thoughts begin to fill with fear and self-doubt because you don’t even know what you would say to him if you said hello. Instead of saying hello and second-guessing yourself, use your body language to draw him in to approach you.
Body language accounts for 93% of our communication alone when it comes to our relationships. That means it’s your superpower to attract a guy’s attention while feeling secure in your element as an INFJ. Eye contact will be your best asset when it comes to alluring his attention towards you.
As you begin to glance his way, you will not want to stare at him as this is socially inept. But, you’ll want to glance at him and then look away gracefully, yet quickly. It’s important to only glance for 1-2 seconds each time until he makes eye contact with you. When you lock eyes again for the second time, give him a smile or mouth the word “hi” so he knows it is safe for him to approach you.
Also, when going out with your girlfriends keep your girl squad small. Guys most likely won’t approach a large group of women as it can be intimidating to their natural instinct of selecting a woman of interest. Stick to just one or two girls as your wing women to create a greater opportunity of meeting a partner in real life.
4. Find Common Ground
Starting a conversation with a guy can have you thinking, “what should I say to him?” You may find yourself overthinking about what to say to keep intriguing him without having to reveal your inner self too soon.
The best way to start a conversation is to find topics anyone can relate to. This will eliminate the fear of getting stuck on what to say next, allowing yourself to build an organic connection that will make you feel right at home. Avoid placing pressure on yourself to ask the perfect question as this can make you feel defeated versus being yourself.
Popular online conversation starters can be about what do you like to do on the weekends, what kind of music do you listen to, are you currently watching any tv series, what is on your bucket list, and do you have any personal hobbies. While these topics may start out on the surface, you can deepen the conversation through personalized stories and experiences.
If you happen to be out at a bar or concert, then ask about what brought them out for the night. For example, you can ask the guy what is his favorite drink or what is his favorite song. While INFJs are not one for small talk, you have to start somewhere, right?
A few topics we recommend staying away from on dates are religion, sex, money, politics, and the topic of dating in general. These topics can quickly go south and turn into a debate, so do yourself the favor and avoid them in the initial stage of dating.
5. Let Go Of Expectations
As an INFJ, you are searching for that spellbinding, one-of-a-kind, earth-shattering connection. And rarely will you give up until you find it. However, in the quest of a unique soulmate, this can sometimes lead to a dream state of what the relationship should look and feel like.
Placing expectations on the man can often lead to failure because if he is unable to meet your exact vision, you may experience disappointment and immediately write off the connection. This is where going with the flow is going to be your best friend while trusting yourself throughout the dating phase.
Try to think of dating like an adventure with no real agenda in mind. You are bound to experience unknowns along the way, but you intuitively know how to navigate the turbulence to put your mind at ease.
And at any point, you can head for safety to recenter your energy and take a breather.
6. Face Your Fears
Being a highly sensitive person can cause you to tightly hold onto an attachment too long because the thought of finding another one can leave you feeling uncertain.
What if he breaks my heart?
What if I let down my walls and he isn’t who I thought he was?
What if I never find love again?
What if he doesn’t understand me the way I understand him?
Letting go of fear and your past relationship experiences is the best way you can attract a loving partner. Fear and love are opposite emotions and cannot live under the same roof when you are wanting to find love. And while your past experiences shape your beliefs, preventing any fears from forming will give you power over your happiness.
7. Operate From Your Heart, Not Head
When you are operating from your heart, it’s much easier to live in the present moment and focus on your relationship goals.
Overthinking can kill more butterflies than fear alone holding yourself back from being your authentic self. Given most INFJs operate simultaneously from their heart and head, it can cause confusion as to which to choose when it comes to love. And while you need to use your head, you have to connect at the heart in order for the relationship to grow. This means taking the risk of letting him in and seeing who you really are in order for the relationship to reach fruition.
Jan and Jillian Yuhas, MA, MFT, CPC, of Entwined Lifestyle, are relationship and lifestyle coaches for women who are looking to attract that one-of-a-kind connection while balancing their career and lifestyle goals. If you would like to learn more about dating and relationships ask them questions here. You can also find them here: entwinedlifestyle.com