I hate dating. I can’t even tell you how much I really hate it. Writing a bio like there is anything even remotely interesting about me, flipping through pictures of people for hours looking for something but not knowing what it is, falling in love with a profile, mustering the courage to send a message, all the heartbreak of not getting a response… I hate it. All of it.
However, my plan to find the love of my life while staying in my apartment all day and night every day hasn’t exactly panned out, so I’m going back to the online torture chamber. I’m trying really hard to look at this as an opportunity and a fun experience. Maybe if I will it to happen it actually will.
There are a few mistakes that I’ve made in the past, that a lot of INFJs make, so I want to address those now before I even get started.
Being on the wrong dating platform
Online dating isn’t anything new, but app dating is a bit newer. It’s easier, right? You just download an app and start swiping. But most of those apps have a reputation. Tinder is known for “hook ups” because it’s so easy to get started with. Most people don’t even fill out their profiles.
If you’re looking for a hook up, apps may be the place to go. But if you’re looking for something more involved, like I am, then you should look elsewhere. I’m starting with eHarmony. I know there are a lot of questions to get started, but I also know that not everyone will go to all of that trouble to answer all of them. You’ve got to be at least halfway serious to go through all that.
Not being honest
When you start filling out your profile it’s easy to look for advice from magazines and blogs about what you are supposed to write or what will attract guys. It’s also easy to write about how you would like to be rather than how you are. I always cringe when I get to the body type question. Ugh. I don’t want to answer it, but you have to. Your profile is like those first bits of small talk when you meet someone. If you’re not honest about who you are, then you’re setting yourself up for disappointment from the start.
Talking to people
I hate talking to people I don’t know. I feel so awkward. I don’t know what to say or where to even start. Then you have to go through all of the generic info: where you’re from, what you do for work, family info, why you aren’t married yet… etc. I’d much rather talk about something meaningful, but not everyone else wants that, certainly not at first.
For me, as an INFJ, it’s almost like I have to pretend to be friendly at first. I mean, I am friendly, I’m just not with this process, especially once we get to the 5th or 10th person. It’s a lot.
I’ve decided that this time I’m going to come armed. I’m going to write all of these things down and simply copy and paste with just the amount of adjustments required. You’ll see why in the next point.
Falling in love with potential
I have a terrible problem of looking at profile pics, reading the profile and then starting to picture our life together. I start to fall in love before I’ve even reached out to them or they’ve responded! I know, I know. This is a terrible way to set yourself up for failure, so please don’t do it!
This time around I’m going to try to be a lot more rational and practical. I’m going to dream less and reach out to more people. It’s a game of numbers in the beginning, no mushy love stuff until you’ve at least gotten past the formalities.
Thinking that it’s going to happen right away
My last, and probably biggest mistake, is thinking that I’m going to sign up for this website and meet the man of my dreams the first week. While I’m sure that does happen for a small fraction of people, it takes most people much longer.
So this time, instead of expecting it to happen overnight, I’m going to settle in and be patient. Maybe a year from now, I’ll have met someone, but I’m not going to give up as easily as I did before.