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What is it Like to Be in a Relationship With an INFJ?

Updated: Jan 27, 2022

Every kind of personality type is drawn to the INFJ type. We are usually warm and friendly, more concerned about making the people around us comfortable than being comfortable ourselves. This first impression can be deceiving though. We are quite picky in our relationships, both friendships and romantic relationships. It takes a lot to be counted as one of our true friends, but if you are, you have received a rare and precious gift.


Making friends has always been hard for me, as I’ve spoken about before. I realized that I am ok without friends, but when I can find the right ones, they make my life so much more enjoyable. It’s just finding the right ones that’s the key.


INFJs seek friends who are authentic, first and foremost. We cannot deal with people who are fake or manipulative. We can see right through that, right from the start. We look for friends who are honest and sincere in their communication, people that we can connect with on more than just a surface level.

Deep connection

We seek a deep connection in all of our relationships. We are not content to talk about the weather or baseball or the latest TV show trend. We want to discuss things that we are passionate about, things that interest us very deeply.

I would much rather talk about the meaning of life or a conspiracy theory about the moon landing than the latest trending topic on Twitter. I gravitate towards people who are intelligent and passionate about something. Sometimes the topic doesn’t even interest me, but the fact that they are passionate about it makes me curious.


I’ve noticed that most of my friends are quirky, just like me. I’m not the most popular person at work or school. Never was. I never got along with those people either. I get along with and am attracted to people who are different. I’m always searching for acceptance and I think they are as well. Plus I like the things that make them unique. I love that they are not like everyone else. I like learning about what makes them different and what makes them happy. It gives us endless amounts of things to talk about.

I tend to be the outsider in whatever group I am in. I can put on a happy face and blend in if I need to, but if I am being true to myself, I don’t generally fit in. But when I sit back and look at the group there is usually at least one person who is different. That’s the person I want to sit next to. That’s the one I will probably have the most in common with.

Romantic Relationships

You guys, I am the worst person to give you advice about romantic relationships. My experience is limited, at best. And I am still single at 34, but here is what I can tell you: I am looking for something deep and intense and I am not willing to settle for anything less.

Not Casual

I’m not into casual dating. For the longest time, I thought I was just weird, but then I learned this is a classic INFJ trait. I don’t want to date just to see what happens. And I don’t want to date someone that I know I could never have a future with. I take dating very seriously because I don’t like getting to know new people. I don’t like the process of opening myself up to someone else, especially in the intimate way that romantic relationships require. When I do, it means a lot. There has to be someone that is very special for me to put forth all of that effort.

Competing with quiet

I LOVE my quiet time. I love the ability to go home, take a bath and then crawl into bed to watch Netflix all night, without regard for anyone else. You would have to be pretty special for me to change all of that for you. In order to get my attention you don’t have to compete with other people, you have to compete with my quiet time, my routine, my happy place. I want someone that will share that with me, not take it away from me. I want someone I can be alone together with.

High standards

Having high standards is another classic INFJ trait. We strive for perfection in everything, including choosing our mates. I have a list of things that I want. It’s not a big list, but everything on it is well thought out and important. I know exactly what I want. And I know that I am willing to wait in order to get it, even if that means possibly missing out altogether. I would much rather have 10 years of completely amazing, than 40 years of just ok.


One of the most important things for me in any relationship in authenticity. I hate when people try to manipulate me. I can see through it right away. It bothers me that they cannot or will not just tell me the truth. I have no time for people who are manipulative. Honesty is so incredibly important. Even though I have high standards, I also am very open-minded and accepting of people, especially those that I care deeply about. All of the rules go out the window once I start to care for someone.

Highly Desirable

INFJs have the advantage of being highly desirable.

People with the Advocate (INFJ) personality type often have the advantage of desirability – they are warm, friendly, caring and insightful, seeing past facades and the obvious to understand others’ thoughts and emotions. 16 Personalities

We are also seen as mysterious, which makes us even more desirable. There is always something more to learn about us, because we are so guarded. It takes us a while to open up, which keeps them coming back.

Deep as the ocean

INFJs are not for the uncommitted or shallow. Once we commit to a relationship we take it very seriously. We are looking for that connection that is deeper than anything physical. It’s a connection that is more than soul mates, something that is emotional and even spiritual. There is an intense place of understanding with the right person, the one who gets you, who cherishes you for being you. But it’s not a one-sided relationship. INFJs show their love by making their partner happy in whatever way that they can. They are very interested in their partners and want to understand them first and foremost. They will go out of their way to make their partner feel loved and cherished, whatever it takes.

No matter what kind of relationship we are talking about it is important to the INFJ. We put our all into them. If we care enough to let you into our space, you will find the most understanding person you have ever experienced. You will feel that someone finally gets you. We do our best to take care of our friends, because we know just how valuable they really are.

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