Updated: Jan 27, 2022
INFJs are known for being friendly, personable and understanding of those around them. Always the people pleaser, they adapt their personalities to suit the people around them. They will go way out of their way to make sure everyone around them is well taken care of.
But there is a line. There is a point where enough is enough. There is a point where they get betrayed or taken advantage of too much and they respond in a cold and deliberate way, often called the door-slam.
What is the INFJ door-slam?
The door-slam is an INFJ cutting someone out of their life completely, often without any discussion or warning. This includes blocking phone numbers, unfollowing and blocking on all social media and email, and even moving to a different place, depending on the situation.
Who gets a door-slam?
This can be applied to anyone in the INFJs life: friends, family, significant other. They don’t discriminate.
When and why is the door-slam used?
The door-slam is a way for INFJs to cut toxic people out of their lives.
INFJs will give everything to their people. But when they are hurt over and over and over again, there comes a point when they decide that they cannot take any more hurt from this person and it has to stop. This hurt can be caused by many things, including betrayal, narcissists or any kind of toxic presence.
Is it extreme?
It may seem like it’s extreme to outsiders, but INFJs are very sensitive individuals. They put their all into relationships and deeply effected by the way that they are treated, especially by those that they value the most. There is only so much hurt that INFJs can take before they collapse underneath it all.
A door-slam is a solution of self preservation. It’s not a first line of defense, though, from the outside, it may seem this way. It’s actually a last line of defense. INFJs don’t want to use a door-slam, especially on people that they love. They don’t want conflict and disharmony in their lives at all. It’s just that sometimes, they don’t have a choice. It’s the only option left.
It’s not something that they take lightly either. There is a lot of thought and consideration that goes into such measures. A healthy INFJ will realize that there is nothing else that they can do but to cut the toxic person out of their life for good.
An example of a door-slam
I’ve used the door slam a few times in my life. I’ve used it on every boyfriend that I have ever had. I can’t do the whole “Let’s be friends” thing. It doesn’t work for me. But the biggest door-slam for me was my older sister.
My older sister has a substance abuse problem. She has had the problem for more than 10 years. It’s really sad because we are only 2 years apart and were like twins growing up. We did everything together. She was my person.
When she started down the road of making bad choices I didn’t really know how bad it was and, of course, had no way of knowing how bad it would get. I spent years trying to help her, trying to make her see that she has a problem and needs help. I put up with her lashing out at me numerous times, with her blaming me for her problems and demanding that I do something to help her.
But after years of me trying and failing, I realized there was something important missing. She can’t admit that she has a problem. It doesn’t matter what I do for her, she won’t get better until she can admit to herself and others that she has a problem.
A few years ago I decided that enough was enough. I no longer wanted to deal with her emotional abuse and her toxic behavior. I no longer felt responsible for her problems.
So, I blocked her phone number on my phone and deleted her from my social media, with no warning or explanation. And I haven’t looked back since.
The impact of that for me has been mostly positive. There are still times when I miss her. Like I said, she was my person. But more than that I have gained so much. She has this larger than life personality and i was always in her shadow. Now I feel like I have stepped out of her shadow, of her opinions, of her negative comments. I’ve learned how to be myself. I’ve learned a lot more about me and what I want. I’ve also learned how to stand up to people, rather than just accept what they say.