“I’m not ok. This is not ok.”
I’ve felt this a lot in the last year and a half. I’m sure we all have. But this past week has been really bad. I even jumped on Instagram and spoke about a little bit of it…
I went to a concert about 2 weeks ago, well 2 concerts actually. It felt like this amazing breath of fresh air in the middle of a desert of uncertainty. It was the hope that I needed. It was the joy that I’d been missing. Everything seemed like it was going to be ok again. What a high!!
Then I came back home, back to my routine and a sadness set in. I wanted to sustain that hope and joy. I took videos at the concerts and watched them over and over and over again. That helped a little bit, but not a lot. I went to my favorite restaurant and put off my diet again. I told myself, “tomorrow will be better.”
Tomorrow was not better
Then I got into an argument on Facebook with some people who felt like they are superior to others simply because they exist. It was a lot for me. Why did I argue with them? I honestly don’t know. I generally have a policy that I’m not the jackass whisperer, so I don’t argue with idiots, but I was tired and overwhelmed and I just couldn’t not say anything.
I feel this need to defend people who are the outcasts and the forgotten. So many people trample over those who aren’t like them. It’s appalling. I’ve been the outcast and the forgotten so much in my life, that when I see people being treated like that I want to jump in front of a bus for them! I’ll even jump into a fight on Facebook, just so there is someone standing up and saying, “hold, please. Not everything is the way you think it is.”
Tomorrow’s tomorrow was also not better
Then I saw the news and what happened in Afganistan. Regardless of your political views, when you watch people cling to the outside of a plane in the minimal hope of going somewhere better, because where they are is so bad that they’ll take the chance of being on the outside of a plane… we can all agree that that’s terrible, right? Those people deserve better. How can you watch that video, see those pictures and not feel something? How can you be ok after that?
I wanted to make a video about it, but I cried every single time that I tried. I’m crying as I’m writing this too.
I want to do something. I want to help. And while I’m looking for a way to help, I’m not ok.
It feels so not enough
It feels selfish and horrible for me to sit here in safety with food in my kitchen and clean clothes in my closet and say that I’m not OK when clearly there are a lot of other people who are so much more not OK. I recognize that.
But it’s also important to recognize that just because someone else is in worse pain than you are does not mean that you are not in pain. Your pain is still very much real. It’s still very much worthy of recognition and of your efforts to get better.
I’m a depressed motivational speaker
I heard Glennon Doyle say that she’s a depressed motivational speaker and I have never felt anything more in my whole life. So many times I feel icky and vulnerable and awful and I don’t want to say it out loud. I feel like I should be the leader who has everything together and doesn’t have bad days. I feel this even more when I have a string of bad days and can’t come up with anything inspirational to write about.
But then I realized that the reason that I love Glennon is because she’s so relatable. She doesn’t have everything together all of the time. She doesn’t have her life figured out or all of the answers. But she’s willing to sit with you anyway. She’s willing to hold space for you.
That’s what I want to offer you. I don’t have all of the answers. Not everything is 100% perfect all of the time. It’s a good day when it’s just OK. But mostly I have less than good days. I’m still here though and I want to hold space for you too. I want to help you as much as I can, as I am. We can figure it out together. We can grow and get better together.
A lot of people ask me, “OK so I’m an INFJ. What now?” Now is the fun part. Now is where you get to dive into all of the things that brought you to looking at your personality in the first place. There’s a reason that you want to know more about yourself. You’re looking for something: confidence, self-love, empowerment, growth, purpose. Whatever it is, I want to help you find it.
I’m hosting a free workshop called I’m an INFJ – What Now? that’s going to cover what the next step is after you determine your personality type. It’s completely free, so I hope that you’ll join me. You can sign up here.
FREE WORKSHOP: Understand your personality and find self-love and confidence in your life.
You’re right on time
You are here, right now, on purpose. You are right where you’re supposed to be, even if it feels icky and like a total mess right now, even if it’s not where you want to be or where you think you should be. You’re here to learn what you need to know for the next thing in your life. Let’s figure it out together.