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To the INFJ Who Struggles with Self-Love

Updated: Feb 8, 2022

What did you come here to read? What words do you need to hear? What validation are you looking for? What permission do you long for? Think about that for a minute. The blog post title caught your attention, so I assume you are looking for self-love. Me too.

I have been looking for self-love my whole life. When I was little I found it in the eyes of my parents. I was ever the good girl who did everything that I was told to do, always lending a helping hand. In grade school I found it in the eyes of my teachers with my ready attention and straight A’s. At work it was in the eyes of my bosses who praised my work ethic and dedication. It was always from an external source though. It never saw that as a problem until those external sources started turning on me. When I could no longer be the helping hand or the straight A student, all of the sudden there was no love.

Mirror, mirror

When I looked in the mirror I felt empty. A constant stream of doubt and hate-filled my thoughts. I scrutinized every freckle on my face, every hair that was out of place. No matter how much I did for everyone else, I never felt like it was enough, like I was enough.

Somehow I thought that I would find the answer in the bottom of an ice cream tub or a bag of candy. No matter how much I ate I still didn’t feel full. It was never enough. But then it was too much. I was too much. And more hate came. I looked at myself with shame and disgust until I couldn’t look at myself anymore. I couldn’t face a mirror and God forbid someone wanted to take a picture of me.

Eventually, I was scared to go out in public, scared of what people might think or say. Mostly I was just scared of what I thought of myself. I knew that no one would or could say the same terrible things to me that I said to myself. But when they tried, I believed them because I already knew them to be true. I already felt that way and they just confirmed it for me.

You just need more confidence

So many times someone has said to me, “You just need more confidence. You don’t have any.”

I would say, “YES! That’s it!! How do I get it?”

Their response was always the same, “I don’t know. I’ve never had that problem.” Sometimes they would add a look of disgust or rejection. Some would even tell me not to talk about it, as if I was the only one and I should be embarrassed to have such a problem.

I got to the point where I just thought I was born without it, that some people just didn’t have it and I would have to learn to live without it.

It genuinely bothered me when people would say things like, “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself.” I began to believe that no one would ever love me. It scared me to think that I would have to go through this life all alone. But I thought that was my fate because I had been dealt a bad hand or been born deformed, with half a heart or not all of my brain.

It’s inside of you

I didn’t learn the true meaning of self-love until I was 33 years old. People always talk about it like it’s a destination, that when you get there you’ll always be there. When you find it, you’ll always have it. But that’s not the case at all.

A change is gonna come

I spent years in a counselor’s office and on Google trying to figure out what was wrong with me. A lot of times it felt like chasing rabbits. I would chase down why I couldn’t lose weight one week and the next be on to why my friends leave me. Then it was why am I so quiet and why do I spend so much time alone.

When I discovered my personality type so much of my life made sense. But that wasn’t the whole thing. It wasn’t until I started to give myself a lot more grace and look a lot more gently at myself that everything finally started to click. It was like that self-love came to me gradually at first, barely noticeable, and then all at once.

I hired a life coach, which was one of the best and worst decisions of my life. It was a process that taught me so much and I am forever grateful for what I learned.

The most important thing

The biggest thing I have learned about self-love is that it’s not a destination. It’s not something you get and just have. It’s a process. It’s a journey. And it’s a lot like a muscle: if you won’t use it you lose it.

What I want you to know

Finding self-love is a long and hard process. The fact that you are looking for it is a great place to start. Because the journey starts with awareness. It starts with looking around and recognizing all of the areas of your life that this deficiency is affecting. It’s saying to yourself this is not ok. I can’t go on living like this, knowing that something is missing. I deserve to feel love. I deserve better.

And the next step is the hardest – it’s reaching out and asking for help. You don’t have to go through this journey alone. I didn’t. I found help from my friends and a counselor and a life coach. I still find help all the time from my friends, a lot of whom are life coaches.

Asking for help doesn’t make you weak. It actually makes you strong. I know it doesn’t feel that way. It took me such a long time to reach out for help because I was convinced I could do it myself. And it is possible to figure it all out yourself. But when you have the courage to reach out for help you get so much more and so much faster results. In the end, you are getting the goal that you want and you get it so much faster.

It’s about time

I want to help you get to a place where you have self-love. I know it’s hard to reach out for help especially if you are talking about going to a counselor or a life coach. They can be really pricey and intimidating! Thankfully, I’m neither of those things!

I’m offering a free masterclass on How to Get Self-Love Abundance. Join me for this in-depth look at where this problem starts and how to get to a place of self-love, including:

  1. Looking in the mirror and liking what you see

  2. Being confident to apply for a job you deserve

  3. Being able to set boundaries with your friends and family

  4. Standing up for yourself in so many situations

  5. Knowing that your standards are not too high and that you deserve better

  6. Finding your one true love

  7. Stepping out of your comfort zone and being able to do the things you want to do

  8. And so much more!

The class is about an hour long and will cover everything you need to know. Sign up right here.

If you have any problems with self-doubt or self-confidence you need this class. Come join us and see how we can change your life! I’ll see you there!

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