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You’re Not an INFJ If…

Updated: Feb 1, 2022

Sometimes social media is a scary place to be. Most people who comment on my posts and videos are wonderful, amazing people. But a small percentage of them are not. I’ve gotten a lot of comments that say, “You’re not an INFJ if…” then they state some arbitrary reason. It happens almost every week.

This week was no different. I got a comment on my YouTube channel that basically said, “You’re not an INFJ if you don’t believe in astrology.” I rolled my eyes when I read it. I just don’t understand why people think that all INFJs are the same. We are very similar because of our personality type. But we’re not the same. We’ve all grown up in different places, different countries, different parts of countries, with different parents and religions and friends. All of these things influence the person that you become. So obviously we won’t all be the same.

I also hate these “you’re not an INFJ if” statements because you can’t judge someone else’s personality type, especially if you don’t know them and especially based on one comment or statement on social media. It takes way more than that to determine a person’s personality type. It’s not for me to judge if you are an INFJ or not. It’s also not for you to judge that about me either.

I’m not here to judge. I’m here to help. So I just wanted to throw out some of these “you’re not an INFJ if” statements. Here are some of the most common:

You don’t believe in astrology

A lot of people ask me if MBTI and astrology are related. I conducted some simple research and concluded that they are not. I shared this research on my YouTube channel. So many people disagree with me and that’s ok. I’m not infallible. I don’t claim to be a god who knows everything. I’m here to help as much as I can. That’s all.

If MBTI and astrology were related then all INFJs would share a similar birthday month or there would at least be a higher concentration in of INFJs in one zodiac sign. But there’s not. You can see this in the video.

But let’s get back to the statement ‘you’re not an INFJ if you don’t believe in astrology.” That would mean that all INFJs would have to share a similar worldview and a similar religion too. But we don’t. So clearly this statement is false.

You’re not skinny

Another comment from YouTube said, “if you were an infj you’d be all over diet and exercise.” This was on a video called The Pressure to Be Like Everyone Else. I thought it was kinda ironic.

There is an old and misinformed belief that if you’re overweight then you’re lazy and you eat like a pig and if you’re skinny then you’re super active and you eat healthy. But neither of those things are true. I’m sure we all have that one friend who eats like crazy and never gains a pound. And that other friend who is always on a diet and never can lose the weight.

The truth is your personality type does not determine your eating habits or your relationship to food. Your personality type also does not determine whether you’ll have an eating disorder or not. There are INFJs who are skinny and there are INFJs who are not so skinny.

You’re not demisexual

There’s a lot of new terms that get thrown around a lot, so let’s start with a definition on this one. Demisexual means that you only feel sexually attracted to someone when you have an emotional bond with them. A lot of INFJs feel this way, but that doesn’t mean that all INFJs are like this. I have to go back to the argument that we all grew up in different places with different influences and that can dictate a lot about a person.

I grew up in an extremely conservative religion. They were staunchly against sex before marriage so much so that I’m not entirely sure if they believed in sex after marriage either. Those ideas being preached at me and almost threatened on me at an early age had a profound effect on me. So for me to sit here and say that I must be the same as someone who didn’t go to that kind of a church is completely ridiculous.

You like people

I’ll be really honest here. I don’t really like people. So I gravitate towards the graphics that make comments about INFJs not liking people. And it probably means something different for me. When I say, “I don’t like people,” that means that I don’t like the grocery store being overcrowded and I hate traffic. I hate people who make nasty comments on social media and I hate the person who slams the doors in my apartment building at 2am. I think all of those things are completely reasonable.

But I do like people in other ways. I love to connect with people through this blog and my social media who are nice and warm people. I love to help those who are struggling in any way I can. I love coaching people through bad experiences and helping them into something better.

But again, not all INFJs are the same. Some of us like people and some of us don’t, sometimes it depends on our mood or the trauma we’ve experienced in our lives. It has nothing to do with our overall personality though.

You’re happy and bubbly

My mom called me outgoing a while ago and I almost threw up. I’ve never thought of myself as outgoing or happy and bubbly. Mostly because those kinds of people usually annoy me. When I take the MBTI test I always score about 90% introverted. So I just had this picture in my head of me being quiet and unaproachable. But when my mom said that I asked her for evidence. She said that I’m usually friendly to cashiers in the store and servers in restaurants, which is true. I want those people to feel comfortable and appreciated, so I usually smile at them and say hi.

Not all INFJs are dark and sullen. Some of us are like that, just not all of the time. It really just depends on what’s going on in our lives and who’s around us that we’re concerned about.

All INFJs…

The truth is we’re all the same but we’re all very different too. You went looking for your personality type because you were struggling with something, you needed help. Everyone else did too. It’s important to remember that. We’re all struggling with something. We’re all here looking for answers. We don’t need any extra judgment on top of the struggling and the judgment that we already give to ourselves.

We need love. Love is always the answer.

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Gillian Metcalfe
Gillian Metcalfe

Too right Sarah, sadly though the difficulty in finding that love hampers many of us INFJs. Maybe why we cannot like many people. They are not likeable, let alone loveable. Of course there is no set list of personality habits!! Just to pick up on your example of the no sex before marriage, well, I was brought up in a society where we were being encouraged to shop around before considering sacrificing ourselves to an unknown quantity!! Of course your own culture will have its impact, just as your own family and circumstances will.

I wonder how many self-judged INFJs really are INFJs! Or are they circumstancial INFJs? Meaning that at this moment in time they are alone, they have…

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